A Year in Retrospective 2015

I will not be defined by the people around me I will not seek acceptance from relationships, but find worth in myself… myself alone

My head is burning up with numbers and key strokes banging banging banging away in my head push harder do faster until your fingers bleed don’t comprehend don’t think no time no money in thought these days compassion is for the weak and profit feeds so hunch forward count the keys pushing tickets for robotic is the new business way

April is his cut-off point for love fumbling fumbling fumbling until heart falls shattering all over the place until the walls are covered in pink and glitter and I am on my knees gathering up the pieces jamming shoving pushing them together never quite the same I suck at puzzles forcing things back together until my heart stutters and sputters a beat in a numb lullaby

My son is no longer a baby growing sprouting his expressions mirror my own and I laugh constantly with this little boy small hand grips my own he thinks he has to protect me and he has become my best friend a special bond now he gets older and I have to let go of that hand some more and I am not ready not ready to let go

Ticket stubs and programs litter the table I can mark several days when I am lost in the crowd watching the flickering of lights absorbing the crashing sound waves filling a room a crowd I watch silently in the corner a voyeur flickering lights collect in eyes my blood strums my body hums a smile lingers as watching the dancers as listening to music as I feel the night imprint upon skin

A group of young men scream fat as one dangles from the open window roar and laughter crashes into the night I am sitting in shadows feeling their eyes the ugly twist of their words collect around me and I am afraid to walk home fear is bitter upon tongue

Adventures prick at my fingers and I am eager to go finding myself in mileposts and new places dancing laughing enjoying the small theatrical antics of Shakespeare tuck in a small Oregon festival town then I am visiting an old home entertaining ghosts and celebrating diversity in Idaho then finally lingering on a plane’s wing finding myself surrounded by blinking lights and slot machines of Vegas roll the dice and gather up the memories

Helpless laying here with needles jabbing jabbing jabbing at me and oxygen flows through my nose sweat saturated my sheets and gown as I watch my leg rebel festering red roaring is this infection that has me trapped tethering me to a saline bag and a heart monitor watch the television and wait and wait and wait to remove all these needles and tubes holding residence in my body

This night I realize I am ready to open up bring down the walls and teeter on the plank long enough to meet new people allow myself to be vulnerable so reach out with shaky hands eyes wide innocent scared with every breath reaching reaching reaching out to whisper hello

Stretch your arms up to the sky grab all your memories mistakes thoughts pull them into your chest until they are squirming nipping to be free and accept every second then open your arms and let them all go


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