I Am Telling You I Am Sad

I am catering to a timeline

Not my own

It is like waking up every morning

Putting on a jacket two sizes too small

Slipping feet into shoes three sizes too big

Constricted, tripping over myself

Again and again

While everyone looks at me

Not seeing what is wrong

For the jacket is brand name

And the shoes the latest trend

They keep singing

I should be happy, be so happy

 

 

So what I am saying

Is I don’t feel like I belong here

In this room

Right here

Right now

I know everything and understand I placed each item

Where it sits now

Yet, every item is foreign to me

As if I never placed my hand on it

I could walk out of this room

And never return and it wouldn’t bother me

Even if I have called it home

For several years

 

 

Wake up every morning

Disoriented

I can’t find the path

From fingers to toes

Words from mouth

I lay there

Watching the shadows on the ceiling

Thinking they have a better life

 

I have a raven statue

Found it one weekend

And I knew

My spirit animal had found me

Hear it clicking its beak every night

Looming over my head

Stretching out its wings

Slowly circling me

Until I am wrapped in black

Weighing me down with its metal frame

 

 

Smile they tell me

So their eyes can trace a line upward

To the stars

For heaven is in the laughter

My giggles are muffled by sighs

Downward my lips seem to go

For I want you to look

Look at the fountain I have become

Tears falling down, down

Collecting in my cupped hands

Occasionally, a stray robin finds home there

Bathing its wings in my grief

 

I am telling you I am sad

Even if you are ignoring the letters, the syllables

You can choose to not to acknowledge it

But, don’t be surprised when I am not happy